THIS CONFESSION HAS MEANT NOTHING

Page 494

Or maybe get back home.

"Here we are. Maybe three months since i've stopped working and i don't do anything special with my life. I spent days doing nothing, watching TV Shows. Gettin more and more addicted to unuseful stuff that makes you become a nerd.
What a nerd, my oh my, what a nerd !
Here i am : Afraid, against the lack of meaning of the world.
Today, should i feel guilty for all choices that i have made ?
I do not think so
I guess if it wasn't me, it would be someone else
so...
I've always been too confident in my judgement on others, you see, an example :
When i think something cannot be real. I got to believe in what i said as much as if it was truth itself.
[ like everyone i guess ]
But you know what ? Fuck it ! Fuck everything.
I just fucking wait to know how everything goes for finally be able to leave.
I've been talking to someone [ some ppl would call it tiny beast ] recently and for the first time, i saw that i wasn't the only one feeling hurted, broke deep inside... like unsocially capable of loving,caring,enjoying....Even worst than being depressed : being nothing. Just stucked in the middle of something that you just couldn't described. Moreas being unsocially thinking, i just can't qualify what kinda type we belong to... the too much nerd, the too much weird, the too much cool, the too much different, the too much superficial, too deeper or maybe to less of everything.
So is that true? the fact that one part of you is attractive, nice, smiling, kind, generous, helpfull, totally in touch with ppl and funny. And the other part of you don't give a shit about anything and anyone. That part of you makes you care only about one thing : yourself. I hate myself for loving much more my reflect than gettin interrested in conversations with others. When they talk to me, " I [ LOL ] simply am not there ". I smile, i answer with a response that sounds fake : " Oh really? i mean who?? where?" I guess people don't really get that i am not listening to them. I hate when i do that but i also asked myself and always that question comes to me : " Why should i hate myself ?" . That makes me feel just even more different and lonely.
Oddly, ppl who know me think of me like someone always smiling, having something fun and nice to say. they know i could sacrifice myself for them if it was really important and i could help whenever they want.
But i would do that only because i want them to think of me as someone like that.. they wouldn't give up with hope and life i guess.. you know finding some ppl still like that.
But never i will do that by my own, i mean i don't really see what it really imports to do that. I just don't care.
Generosity, Help and all of these things mean nothing to me without that social context.
So, whats the point? Am i nice only because, in society, we got to be nice? But who knows if [if "those society's duties" fall] i would be nice ?
I don't know, in fact, here is my pain : i don't even know me and i will probably never do.
I always wanted to got this mental disease called... whatever hum so you see, i could have a rational REASON of acting like that..one of my parts would be constant and the other one could disappear.. whatever which one of em..and no more pain or lamenting complains of someone who got everything she wanted.
What a fairy world..
See, when i also asked myself : " why don't you just kill yourself ?" my response is always the same :
1. i got too much responsability
2. there's that tv show i would never know the end... lets see in few weeks."